BREEZY FIELDS

Dear friends and family,  Some of you may know that my Sadie is gay.  I have been protective of this information, not because I am ashamed, but because she is my child, and I know how much hate is in the world.  I have been waiting for her to reach adulthood before I said anything in public. As events have unfolded at BYU regarding the Honor Code, I have watched young men and young women fight to be heard, to be seen as enough, and to be treated as equals with their fellow students.  Many of these young people are just months older than my own daughter.  It has broken my heart. My two oldest children have been incredibly brave and posted their own posts on Facebook and Instagram.  I am so proud of them.  I have waited, trying to give my emotions time to not overwhelm and color my response. I recognize that for those that have not walked this path, as a loved one of an LGBTQ person, the answers may seem clear.  I ask only that you take time to real...

 I have known Larry and Corrie since our early twenties.  I know what good people they are, the love they have for their family.  I cannot imagine the pain their family feels. How many mothers can share these experiences?   As a mother I cannot imagine, no matter the age of my child.  I think of all of the mothers worrying tonight, mothers of black children, mothers of police personnel, mothers of business owners.  This shouldn’t have had to happen. I know that the riots of this weekend are tragic and heartbreaking and will cause wounds that will last for years to come.  I think we have to acknowledge that the trajectory of the path forward was untenable.  Our black fellow citizens cannot be expected to live in a state of such racial disparity.  We need to listen, and again, acknowledge that time and again their voices have been ignored. I am not going to debate in comments.  I realize many have strong feelings.  I am sharing mine.

 Why masks-   I can take Ellyn almost nowhere, besides strolling our military post, because so few people are wearing masks.  Yet every day she brings me the keys and says “set go.”  We drive around town, and sometimes we go to the lake.   Ellyn won’t leave a mask on, no way.   Do I think she would die from Covid, no?  Is there a possibility that she would get sick enough to need to be hospitalized BECAUSE she can’t adequately communicate with us, and out of an abundance of caution? Yes.  This just happened to the autistic sibling of a very good friend.  Alone, without parents, non verbal, in a hospital... Is Ellyn an exception?  Of course.  But with millions of people there are going to be so many exceptions.   The thought of Ellyn alone in a hospital, and not knowing what is going on KILLS me.  The thought of Ellyn at home isolated from all that she loves to do for many more months because people don’t want to wear masks...

 Her hands.  That is what I remember most about the night my daughter came out.  The twisting, the uncontrolled trembling, the clenching and the unclenching of those long white fingers.  My precious, terrified daughter, ashamed, her eyes never quite reaching mine, as she “confessed” to me that she was gay.  This, despite never having acted on her feelings.  This, knowing how much we loved and supported our nephew, and one of her closest friends.  This, because of all she had heard and been taught.   This, is where my journey to truly understand began, the sleepless nights, the prayers, the research, the shifting of so much that I thought I knew. Every day I am grateful for this beautiful soul in my life.  If my Sadie has to live bravely, every day, to love and to be her true self, as her mother, so do I.   What you don’t realize right away, is that at some point parents come out too.  What is the message that they give to their chil...

Jane, September 30, 2020  “Stand back and stand by”. I burst into tears  after realizing what I had just heard.  Last night, Donald Trump had the opportunity to condemn white supremacy, but he didn’t. He told them to “stand by”. That sounds a lot like “be ready” to me. It is now the Proud Boys new logo.  This is about more than politics. Trump is unethical and immoral.  I do not mean to say that every Trump supporter is “racist, xenophobic, homophobic, etc...”. But you are supporting a man who is and who encourages these attitudes and behaviors.  I’ve heard the argument that people should have freedom to believe whatever they believe, even if that means they hate people of color or interracial marriage or homosexuals.  This is not freedom. Hatred should not be justified by freedom.  The truth is, I’m terrified. I’m terrified because Leo and I are an interracial couple. Henry is a mixed baby. All of our children will be. My sister is a lesbian. To ...

 Sadie "Coming Out," October 12, 2020 It took me a while to find what to say on coming out day. I found myself sitting back, reading families and friends stories without even considering that I had important things to touch on. This is what I have learned about coming out. It is not a one time, big thing that starts and finishes with one announcement. I come out every single day. To my doctor, random cashiers at Trader Joe’s, the woman walking her dog at the same time Natalie and I walk ours, my coworkers, the guy in line at Chipotle that won’t stop staring at my hand in Natalie’s, my tattoo artist, my neighbors, etc. It is still scary, every single day. Sometimes when telling a story about my partner, I find myself saying “friend” instead of “girlfriend” because I didn’t feel brave enough in that moment. It’s hard, not knowing who is going to accept you and who is going to shut you down without a second chance. People in heterosexual relationships have the privilege of bragg...

November 7, 2020, My Beautiful and Wise Daughter, Jane. I can breathe again. I won't be going to bed with my stomach in knots and my whole body feeling tight. I won’t be listening to a President who gains momentum by tearing others down. I won’t be going to sleep worrying that my children won’t have clean water to drink or clean air to breathe. I won’t be going to sleep thinking about the horrific experiences of children being torn from their mother’s and father’s arms because they were seeking refuge. I won’t be living in fear of the rapidly-growing racist attitudes and prejudice—that someday harm would come upon my baby that I have now and my future children. That my sister and my cousin and others that I love won’t be stripped of their rights and feel like they are any less of a human being than the rest of us. If this election wasn’t going to change anything for you and if you didn’t see the harm that Trump was causing, that is great and I’m sincerely glad that you have that p...

 Sawyer and I were just remembering an incident from the last time we lived in this house (yes, second time, same house, Fort Leavenworth).  A squirrel somehow made his way into the house while Mike and I were in downtown Leavenworth playing board games at Meriwether’s.  Sawyer and Sadie, using Sawyer’s light sabers, corralled the squirrel under our giant blue bookcase.  Then...they trapped it by surrounding all of the openings with board game boxes.  Our neighbor, Dan, and I showed up at about the exact same time. We created a path with furniture which lead from the bookcase to the side door, meanwhile there was a flurry of activity beneath the bookcase, boxes were shaking.  We all took our places, brooms, light sabers, chairs...and moved a box.  Our plan worked  and the squirrel scurried across the dining room and out the door.  Good times, good times.

Yesterday, September 8th, 2020, was Sawyer's first day of school at Patton.  He is in 7th grade.  If any school can successfully navigate Covid, it is most likely Patton, and so we are giving it a go.  This boy is such a great human being.  We've had over 150 days of togetherness, and I am going to miss this punk.   I am not going to miss this punk.  She is home with mom this school year.  Masks, hybrid classes, social distancing?  Not happening.  Ellyn and I took a nice long drive yesterday.  Every day, about 10 times a day, she brings me the keys or goes to the door and says, "seatbelt."  We accommodate as often as we can.  Since she was a tiny girl there are few things she has loved more than a trip in the car.  She has clearly mastered the teenage glare, she actually wasn't glaring at all, it's just great eye contact.  

The year 2020, really, there is no great place to begin.  And so I will present to you, Loki, the Covid cat. In April we all realized that we missed the comfort of a feline around the house. "Sheltering in Place" gave us ample opportunity to be at home, and home was missing... a cat.  It was also missing Jane, Leo, and baby Henry, but there was nothing we could do about that.  Mother's Day was only a month away, and a cat, I decided, was the perfect present.   Our internet search began for a cat that we could rescue, close to home, that would love two dogs, and was already declawed (because I would not do that to a cat, and yet I have a new, beautiful leather couch that I really did not want attacked).  After great effort, I found him. Loki, the Covid cat.  We all love him.  At night he travels from room to room, taking turns snuggling with each family member.  During the day he can be found lazing on top of the piano, drinking out of the dog...

Ellyn's Golden Birthday was truly exciting for all of us.  This was the first year that WE, as a family, could tell that Ellyn knew it was HER day.  Perhaps she has known every year, but in the past the cake and ice cream seemed to be all that mattered.  This year both her YW class, and her Sunday School class, dropped off treats and heart attacked our front door.  When Ellyn walked outside to get on her bus the morning of her birthday she paused, without any prompting.  Ellyn looked at the hearts, smiled, pointed to one, then turned and walked to her bus. At school, Ellyn's teacher had programed, "Happy Birthday, Ellyn!" into every child's speaking device.  I took in Valentine's donuts from Krispy Kreme (one of Ellyn's very favorite foods on Earth), and all through treat time the boys were pushing their birthday buttons.  Ellyn also started singing "Happy Birthday to You!" all on her own. She also said "Ellyn....

For almost three years I have been thinking how very sad it is that I hadn't continued to keep a journal of our family activities.  No more deployment letters and emails to Mike, no more family blog to keep grandparents and aunts and uncles connected to our family.  Nothing but printed off monthly calendars saved in a file somewhere.  I guess our family blog died a slow death when we lived in Washington and we were seeing everyone all of the time.  It just was not important to keep everyone informed.  They were right there with us.  I did not stop, in all the chaos, to think how very important the blog might be to me, or to my children.  I have often thought of the cute pictures and quotes we had saved on our family blog.  I thought of the interviews I did with the kiddos, and how grateful I was that, somewhere, on a dusty webpage, those beautiful faces, those funny antics, still existed.  I have checked to make sure the blog still existed fr...

Last Friday I was able to go with Ellyn's class to the Seattle Aquarium. I think that perhaps Disneyland is the only place on Earth that makes Ellyn happier than an aquarium. In my dream house I would have one whole wall of Ellyn's room a real, salt water tank. That sounds doable and low maintenance, right? It was as if all of Western Washington was celebrating that Mrs. A.... received a grant and was able to take two classes to the Seattle Aquarium. The sky was blue for the first time in ages. Children and adults were happy and buoyed by a fabulous outing with amazing weather. Ellie Boo loved the entire day. What could be better than a long bus ride, a walk along the water, and an aquarium? As much as possible, I let her hang out near the huge tank at the entrance. She was also quite taken with the seals. I was taken with the view of the Sound while sitting near the seals. I am so happy when this girl is happy:-) - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

There is part of me that aches for the days of snuggling little babies.  Chubby cheeks, chubby buns, the way my Jane called all meat "Hoggie."  Sadie called herself  "Deedee," Ellyn would nuzzle into my neck, Sawyer could pronounce no consonants.  Toddling little bodies, with bright smiles, and wispy curls.  I loved it.  I couldn't do it again, but I love it and miss it. We were looking through videos and pictures one rainy Saturday afternoon and we (Mike, Sadie, Sawyer, and I) were laughing... and I was crying.  We have so many years of amazing memories. But...  I love this stage as well.  I enjoy being able to have real conversations with my kids, I appreciate their humor, I love doing things that we all love to do as their ideas of fun grow up. I was thinking all of this the other night, in Mike's den.  Mike was changing his photos out on his Facebook profile.  He decided the background photo for his page should be a pictur...

Anyone that knows Sadie will not be surprised when I tell you the girl rocked the ... Middle School production of "Snow White Goes West."  No, she wasn't Snow or Queenie or a dwarf.  Nope, she was a 6th grader, talent yet to be determined when she auditioned, nobody.  Sadie was a dwarf cousin, an extra, if you will.  EXTRA amazing!  Seriously, I will be humble when I need to be.  But...  I'm so proud of Sadie.  By the time the play was ready to perform Sadie had two speaking lines, a solo line in one of the songs, and was part of two featured dancing groups.  Her facial expressions were... incredibly expressive, comical, appropriate, completely enjoyable to watch.  She has a gift, she's a natural, a joy to watch.  Her teacher thought so too.  She told me that she can't wait to have Sadie for two more years, that she has high hopes for what our girl can do.  Okay, the rest of the performers also did well.  The play wa...

Ellie Boo is waiting in the back seat of the truck, listening to Wicked. We are dropping Mike off for yet another work trip to Yakima. None of us like it when dad has to be gone and this is his third business trip in less than a month. Yakima is not his dream destination. He has to have some sort of balance though. He spent a week in San Diego at the beginning of the month. So, since I haven't been blogging for many moons I will list his previous destinations- Japan, Australia, Orlando, Germany. I try to remind myself that while he was policing the villages and cities of Iraq I was taking road trips to Prague and Venice. However, I think we might be starting to balance out:-). Last time Mike was in Yakima he had to install antennas or an antenna on a hill top, driving it in to solid rock in 50 mph winds and 30 degree weather. I don't know if this exaggerated, but if it is, it's not by much. We will be spending another wet gray day at home today because Sawyer ...

These two love each other so much. All of my children love each other but Ellyn definitely thinks of Sadie as her playmate. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sawyer played basketball this winter, for the first time. I signed him up with the six and seven year olds vs. the kindergarteners. This may have been a mistake, since he had never played before and there were some extremely old seven year olds out there. However, it didn't seem to bother Sawyer. He loved it and did his best. Such a positive and charming kid! - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Yesterday, as Sawyer and I were driving home, Sawyer said to me, "Mom, you are the best mom in the entire world and I love you. When we get home I am going to give you a hug and a kiss and a diet Dr. Pepper. I'm not going to play video games for an hour and I'm going to practice my reading and hang out with you and dad." That kid knows how to show the love;-) Today it rained and rained and rained. It really started to make me ornery. I had to keep picturing Mike over in Yakima, in horrible weather, trying to put up antennas for an Army exercise to help me put things in perspective. I don't understand how people live and love this weather their entire lives, knowing there are clear skies and sunshine out there somewhere. I'm just trying to hold out for two and a half more winters. Sometimes I feel so weak minded, but it makes me batty. It isn't that I am unhappy. I am absolutely in love with my husband. Seriously, he is gone for one day today and...

Our church now begins at 1:00.  I remember my mom hating late church, I think she wanted to get up and out the door.  Mike doesn't like it during football season, completely understandable.  I've decided I really love it.  I can sleep in, something I cannot do any other day of the week.  I can make a big breakfast, or not.  I can take a walk, read, throw a dinner in the crock pot.  I can actually get my hair washed, dried, and even curled if I so desire.  Also, when I get home from church it is actually dinner time.  This is very convenient on Fast Sundays. I was on Pinterest the other night, in my bed, before I went to sleep.  That is about the only time I ever look at Pinterest, except if I am making a recipe or finding a project for the kids to do. Well, there was a diagram of what successful people do vs. unsuccessful.  I have to say I had a few traits of both.  One thing that successful people did that unsuccessful peopl...