BREEZY FIELDS

Dear friends and family,  Some of you may know that my Sadie is gay.  I have been protective of this information, not because I am ashamed, but because she is my child, and I know how much hate is in the world.  I have been waiting for her to reach adulthood before I said anything in public. As events have unfolded at BYU regarding the Honor Code, I have watched young men and young women fight to be heard, to be seen as enough, and to be treated as equals with their fellow students.  Many of these young people are just months older than my own daughter.  It has broken my heart. My two oldest children have been incredibly brave and posted their own posts on Facebook and Instagram.  I am so proud of them.  I have waited, trying to give my emotions time to not overwhelm and color my response. I recognize that for those that have not walked this path, as a loved one of an LGBTQ person, the answers may seem clear.  I ask only that you take time to real...

 I have known Larry and Corrie since our early twenties.  I know what good people they are, the love they have for their family.  I cannot imagine the pain their family feels. How many mothers can share these experiences?   As a mother I cannot imagine, no matter the age of my child.  I think of all of the mothers worrying tonight, mothers of black children, mothers of police personnel, mothers of business owners.  This shouldn’t have had to happen. I know that the riots of this weekend are tragic and heartbreaking and will cause wounds that will last for years to come.  I think we have to acknowledge that the trajectory of the path forward was untenable.  Our black fellow citizens cannot be expected to live in a state of such racial disparity.  We need to listen, and again, acknowledge that time and again their voices have been ignored. I am not going to debate in comments.  I realize many have strong feelings.  I am sharing mine.

 Why masks-   I can take Ellyn almost nowhere, besides strolling our military post, because so few people are wearing masks.  Yet every day she brings me the keys and says “set go.”  We drive around town, and sometimes we go to the lake.   Ellyn won’t leave a mask on, no way.   Do I think she would die from Covid, no?  Is there a possibility that she would get sick enough to need to be hospitalized BECAUSE she can’t adequately communicate with us, and out of an abundance of caution? Yes.  This just happened to the autistic sibling of a very good friend.  Alone, without parents, non verbal, in a hospital... Is Ellyn an exception?  Of course.  But with millions of people there are going to be so many exceptions.   The thought of Ellyn alone in a hospital, and not knowing what is going on KILLS me.  The thought of Ellyn at home isolated from all that she loves to do for many more months because people don’t want to wear masks...

 Her hands.  That is what I remember most about the night my daughter came out.  The twisting, the uncontrolled trembling, the clenching and the unclenching of those long white fingers.  My precious, terrified daughter, ashamed, her eyes never quite reaching mine, as she “confessed” to me that she was gay.  This, despite never having acted on her feelings.  This, knowing how much we loved and supported our nephew, and one of her closest friends.  This, because of all she had heard and been taught.   This, is where my journey to truly understand began, the sleepless nights, the prayers, the research, the shifting of so much that I thought I knew. Every day I am grateful for this beautiful soul in my life.  If my Sadie has to live bravely, every day, to love and to be her true self, as her mother, so do I.   What you don’t realize right away, is that at some point parents come out too.  What is the message that they give to their chil...

Jane, September 30, 2020  “Stand back and stand by”. I burst into tears  after realizing what I had just heard.  Last night, Donald Trump had the opportunity to condemn white supremacy, but he didn’t. He told them to “stand by”. That sounds a lot like “be ready” to me. It is now the Proud Boys new logo.  This is about more than politics. Trump is unethical and immoral.  I do not mean to say that every Trump supporter is “racist, xenophobic, homophobic, etc...”. But you are supporting a man who is and who encourages these attitudes and behaviors.  I’ve heard the argument that people should have freedom to believe whatever they believe, even if that means they hate people of color or interracial marriage or homosexuals.  This is not freedom. Hatred should not be justified by freedom.  The truth is, I’m terrified. I’m terrified because Leo and I are an interracial couple. Henry is a mixed baby. All of our children will be. My sister is a lesbian. To ...

 Sadie "Coming Out," October 12, 2020 It took me a while to find what to say on coming out day. I found myself sitting back, reading families and friends stories without even considering that I had important things to touch on. This is what I have learned about coming out. It is not a one time, big thing that starts and finishes with one announcement. I come out every single day. To my doctor, random cashiers at Trader Joe’s, the woman walking her dog at the same time Natalie and I walk ours, my coworkers, the guy in line at Chipotle that won’t stop staring at my hand in Natalie’s, my tattoo artist, my neighbors, etc. It is still scary, every single day. Sometimes when telling a story about my partner, I find myself saying “friend” instead of “girlfriend” because I didn’t feel brave enough in that moment. It’s hard, not knowing who is going to accept you and who is going to shut you down without a second chance. People in heterosexual relationships have the privilege of bragg...

November 7, 2020, My Beautiful and Wise Daughter, Jane. I can breathe again. I won't be going to bed with my stomach in knots and my whole body feeling tight. I won’t be listening to a President who gains momentum by tearing others down. I won’t be going to sleep worrying that my children won’t have clean water to drink or clean air to breathe. I won’t be going to sleep thinking about the horrific experiences of children being torn from their mother’s and father’s arms because they were seeking refuge. I won’t be living in fear of the rapidly-growing racist attitudes and prejudice—that someday harm would come upon my baby that I have now and my future children. That my sister and my cousin and others that I love won’t be stripped of their rights and feel like they are any less of a human being than the rest of us. If this election wasn’t going to change anything for you and if you didn’t see the harm that Trump was causing, that is great and I’m sincerely glad that you have that p...

 Sawyer and I were just remembering an incident from the last time we lived in this house (yes, second time, same house, Fort Leavenworth).  A squirrel somehow made his way into the house while Mike and I were in downtown Leavenworth playing board games at Meriwether’s.  Sawyer and Sadie, using Sawyer’s light sabers, corralled the squirrel under our giant blue bookcase.  Then...they trapped it by surrounding all of the openings with board game boxes.  Our neighbor, Dan, and I showed up at about the exact same time. We created a path with furniture which lead from the bookcase to the side door, meanwhile there was a flurry of activity beneath the bookcase, boxes were shaking.  We all took our places, brooms, light sabers, chairs...and moved a box.  Our plan worked  and the squirrel scurried across the dining room and out the door.  Good times, good times.

Yesterday, September 8th, 2020, was Sawyer's first day of school at Patton.  He is in 7th grade.  If any school can successfully navigate Covid, it is most likely Patton, and so we are giving it a go.  This boy is such a great human being.  We've had over 150 days of togetherness, and I am going to miss this punk.   I am not going to miss this punk.  She is home with mom this school year.  Masks, hybrid classes, social distancing?  Not happening.  Ellyn and I took a nice long drive yesterday.  Every day, about 10 times a day, she brings me the keys or goes to the door and says, "seatbelt."  We accommodate as often as we can.  Since she was a tiny girl there are few things she has loved more than a trip in the car.  She has clearly mastered the teenage glare, she actually wasn't glaring at all, it's just great eye contact.  

The year 2020, really, there is no great place to begin.  And so I will present to you, Loki, the Covid cat. In April we all realized that we missed the comfort of a feline around the house. "Sheltering in Place" gave us ample opportunity to be at home, and home was missing... a cat.  It was also missing Jane, Leo, and baby Henry, but there was nothing we could do about that.  Mother's Day was only a month away, and a cat, I decided, was the perfect present.   Our internet search began for a cat that we could rescue, close to home, that would love two dogs, and was already declawed (because I would not do that to a cat, and yet I have a new, beautiful leather couch that I really did not want attacked).  After great effort, I found him. Loki, the Covid cat.  We all love him.  At night he travels from room to room, taking turns snuggling with each family member.  During the day he can be found lazing on top of the piano, drinking out of the dog...