Questions answered

These are questions that Baylee, our respite care provider in California, needed answered, in detail, for a paper she is writing.  The questions included how the kids and I dealt with deployments and moving etc... I thought that while I was expounding on the subject I might as well throw it onto the blog.


Being in the military is definitely a mixed bag.  When Mike and I decided that joining the Army would be a good decision for our family it was a time of peace, as a country we had seen very little action for many, many years.  Of course we knew what the job entailed but at that time it seemed so abstract, not really something we were going to have to worry about.  We joined desiring a stable job, health benefits, a chance to see the world, help with education, and also with the feeling that what Mike would be doing as a career would be an honorable and significant way for him to spend his time.


The beginning was difficult, we quickly had to learn how to live apart for months or weeks at a time while Mike went through training and then during his first assignment which included a great deal of field time.  Jane was just a little kiddo (18mos.-3) and she was a mamma's girl.  She seemed to do alright.  It was definitely a challenge for Mike and I.  We were used to being together a lot.  I had sick stomachs every time we were anticipating a separation.  A dread just hung over us, the time apart seemed to last forever. Thinking of the weeks or months ahead depressed me (not to the point of needing help or anything). Eventually we were just dealing with a week or two at a time or even a few days and this actually worked out well.  There are benefits to having time apart.  You miss each other for one, which means you appreciate each other more when you are back together than you might otherwise if you never left each other's day to day life.  I also gained a great deal of independence.  I've always been pretty strong willed, I'm kind of stubborn, and Mike and I have very different ways of doing things.  It was nice to have a few days to myself that didn't involve compromise.;)  I also found that I was not afraid of traveling, doing guy jobs, etc... by myself.  Tech issues still elude me.


Of course 9/11 and time have changed many things.  Within two weeks of 9/11 Mike was deployed to Afghanistan.  I felt like my little 5 year old daughter had the weight of the world on her shoulders.  While other children her age lived a life of ignorant bliss my daughter knew who Osama Bin Laden was, she knew what had happened in New York (we were living there at the time).  Jane knew that her daddy had to go away and fight the bad guys so that we could all be safe.  She worried about her daddy constantly.  Those are big fears for a little girl and a reality that you can't really hide once kids reach a certain age.  You also want your children to know that only the most important things would keep their daddy from being with them.


The past ten years have been full of great memories that we have created together as a family.  You have to make your time together count.  We try to spend as much time as we can together, we work really hard to make sure our children feel loved and feel secure in their home. We take family trips, we do game nights and movie nights, we try to keep focused on being in our home and not off in a million other directions.  We want our family to feel like their best friends can be found right at home.  This helps during deployments and during moves. The times when Mike is gone are difficult.  The girls do worry about their dad.  They try to be strong for him (Jane especially) so that he doesn't have to see them sad before he leaves.  It's heartbreaking to witness.  For the first time we are adding Sawyer's, and it seems, Ellyn's, emotions to the mix.  This summer dad has been gone and they have missed their daddy. We get the sudden tears for no apparent reason at times, Sawyer articulates that he misses dad.  Ellyn, you can just tell she's sad.  


As a mother it is difficult filling both roles.  I don't know how moms that work as well do it.  I try to create a loving home with lots of fun things to look forward to.  I try to make plans so that the kids are always looking forward to something.  One stepping stone to another seems to make the time go by.  We get into a routine, routines work, they keep things stable. We try to spend as much time as possible with extended family.  That is not always possible depending on where we live.  I think feeling the additional love of grandparents, aunts, uncles (especially when they do dad kind of things for them), and cousins really helps.  The kids learn to accept that dad is gone.  We mss him but they adjust.  They seem to pick back up right where they left off (after a few weeks) when he returns. Live videos and phones help this immensely.  


I find myself absolutely exhausted when Mike is gone.  Just my regular job as mom is a lot of work, but not having another driver to pick a kid up, to grab a gallon of milk for you on the way home, take care of a cranky kid while you make dinner, be a cooler head when you've lost your temper, help with the yard work or take the garbage out- being in charge of EVERYTHING is extremely hard!  Plus, making sure you make time for your relationship with your husband via phone calls, emails, care packages, etc... takes a great deal of time.  I fall into bed every night worn to the bone and wake up feeling the same way. 


As far as moves, I, personally, have always loved them.  I love experiencing new places, making new friends, creating new homes.  I feel like I have a much better grasp on the U.S. and of Europe having lived in so many locations.  I have left a piece of my heart in each of those locations.  Sometimes that is painful.  I really miss places that I might not see for a very long time.  Moving is much harder for the kids.  I have a high schooler and a fourth grader now.  They feel these moves much more keenly, some moves are harder than others.  I have one child that is very resilient, she makes friends easily and is not too sentimental.  She is getting to that age though when she can be more easily left out because she is "the new girl." Girls can be vicious.  I have another daughter that is much more reserved and has a much more difficult time making friends.  Of course in the past few years we have added the complication of trying to coordinate schools and services for a special needs child.  Besides one HUGE mistake made by one person, the Army has been excellent in their services for our child.  They have worked hard to build comprehensive services and they have been careful where they have sent us.  They have also tried to give us as much stability (length of time) in one location as possible.  I do not believe there are too many companies that would go to those kinds of lengths for a family.  Of course this limits us to where we can be stationed.  Up until now this has not hurt my husband's career, affected it, yes.  No damage, yet.