I received an e-mail on my phone a few hours ago and I noticed the date, I hadn't thought about it at all until then, but the last two hours as I have unpacked boxes and Sawyer has been the most amazing self entertained baby I have thought about it and thought about it. That's what you get to do when you are unwrapping a box of your daughter's treasures that somehow ended up in the living room and the box is too heavy to carry upstairs.
Warning- this is strictly family history, journal type material, it could be long and boring to others and you may want to stop reading now.
This date is filled with very sad memories, so much loss, so much tragedy. It also has a teensy bit of goodness wrapped up in it too. This is the day that, seven years ago and with hindsight- I had the first indication that four and a half years of infertility was over. It is the day that fear for my husband became my frequent companion. September 11th 2001, was the catalyst for the past seven years of our lives. It's when the Army ceased to be just a job training for the what ifs and war and deployments became a way of life.
I think most adult Americans can remember exactly what they were doing the morning of September 11th. I walked Jane to the bus stop and waited for her to get on the bus and then my great dane, Max, and I started on a four mile run. We lived in upstate New York, it was beautiful that day, warm and sunny. I was listening to my new MP3 player that Mike had given me for my birthday. I remember that about half way through my run the sky was filled with a loud roaring and I looked up to see several, I think F16s, streaming through the sky overhead. I thought they must be doing some sort of exercise. I remember thinking how weird it was that my body felt all loose, my joints ached. The first indications that my little Sadie was on her way. I got home from my run, tired but happy and discovered that I had 5 messages on my machine. I tried calling Mike, my mom, busy. I called my friend Jami and she told me to turn on my t.v. and that part is history. By then both towers had been hit.
I don't remember many other details actually. I remember calling Jane's school and they were not letting them out and so I drove to Jami's apartment and we watched the news from there. Immediately Mike started on drills of one sort or another. He was gone late every night, always rumors...
New York City, I had only flown through that city once when we were on our way to England up until that year. But the summer of 01 Mike had an assignment down at West Point and Jane and I had gone down to visit several weekends. We had explored New York City together, the three of us. My mom and Meagan had come to visit and we had taken them into the city. It was so familiar and so close now.
On Sept. 18th Jami and I were together and I told her my period was late. Jami had lived near us at Ft. Benning. She knew that I had spent only 6 million dollars on pregnancy tests. She had been my friend when I went to the infertility doctor and when I gave myself daily injections for months, to no avail. Mike and I had put all that behind us and had moved on, happy that we had our little Jane. I told Jami, that I knew it was stupid, but with everything going on and so much on my mind I just wanted this one little uncertainty out of the way. She completely agreed and stayed with the kids in the jeep while I ran into the drug store and bought my test. I took it at her house. I sat there staring at that stick forever, tears streaming down my face. When I came out Jami looked at me and said "that stick either says you have cancer or you are pregnant." Jane was so excited, she says she can still remember it. The funny thing is, I had told my friend just a few days before that I was relieved that I wasn't having any more children, the world was all of the sudden a very scary place. But... I couldn't have been happier. I thought about surprising Mike, he was away on a drill, but when he called I couldn't wait. I had to tell him.
A week of drills, a false alarm, when we thought the guys had left, weekends where everyone was on call. Then one morning Mike left for work and never came home. I waited for him to call after PT. He always called from his office while he shined his boots, he didn't call. I called my friend Kristy and asked if she had heard from Roger, Mike's Commander, she hadn't. She tried to call and there was no answer. Every morning we had said goodbye, kissing and hugging and telling each other how much we loved each other, just in case...
Rumor had it they were all in an airplane hangar and a few days later they were all released. Except for Alpha Company. I was at Kristy's with Jane. The calls started pouring in... husbands home, husbands calling. No one from Alpha, somehow, I can't remember, it was confirmed that our husbands had been the first to go. I sat on the couch with Jane while Kristy answered a few more phone calls and then I told her we had to leave.
On the way home I explained to Jane that dad had to go fight the bad guys, that daddy and Roger would be safe. I wish I could say I did it without tears. We drove out to our little apartment in Copenhagen and as we walked in the door Kenn (Mike's dad) was leaving a message on our answering machine. Jane started yelling out "DADDY, DADDY!" I picked up the phone but I couldn't say anything for what seemed like forever. I know I told him but I can't remember how.
Mike and I had a plan, if he left we would give Jane a doll set that we had bought at Costco earlier that month. She had been begging for it. It had the doll, the stroller, the carseat. Our plan worked like a charm. Dad was not forgotten but if anyone knew Jane and dolls that was the best distraction ever.
That night I put Jane into my bed and we read stories until she fell asleep. I got out of bed and knelt down and wept, praying to my Heavenly Father for the safety of my husband. I can't put into words the absolute agony and fear I felt right then, but as I poured out my sorrow to the Lord I felt a calm immediately fill my mind, fill my whole body. Peace that I didn't imagine possible a few moments before had come to me. I thanked my Heavenly Father, I climbed into bed, kissed my little Janie and fell fast asleep. I have never in my life felt the spirit stronger than at that time.
It is seven years later, we are now a family of six. We have lived without Mike off and on for a total of almost three years. That is quite a bit less than many families. We've been lucky.
Last year, almost at this time heavy fighting was taking place. We were getting notices of casualties almost daily. It just didn't seem possible that any of our husbands were going to make it home. But now, in just a few weeks Mike will be back in Germany. Sawyer and I will be going to visit very soon and a few months from now he will be home with us for awhile at least.
There are good things that have come out of many difficult times. I know that I am strong. I can do hard things. I know that my marriage will be a blessing throughout eternity. Michael and I have only felt the bond between us strengthen, sweeten. Only those that have been apart can know the indescribable joy of being reunited. I will not take being together for granted. I am grateful for my life, my husband and children, my family. I have joy, an underlying love of life and all that it entails, even during terrible times. Tonight we prayed for the families of those that lost loved ones, I can't imagine the sadness this day must bring to them. I know that I have been blessed.
Well it is bedtime. I had to finish that last paragraph tonight. I just dozed off with my head on my hand so I won't even know if it made sense until tomorrow. Good night.
Warning- this is strictly family history, journal type material, it could be long and boring to others and you may want to stop reading now.
This date is filled with very sad memories, so much loss, so much tragedy. It also has a teensy bit of goodness wrapped up in it too. This is the day that, seven years ago and with hindsight- I had the first indication that four and a half years of infertility was over. It is the day that fear for my husband became my frequent companion. September 11th 2001, was the catalyst for the past seven years of our lives. It's when the Army ceased to be just a job training for the what ifs and war and deployments became a way of life.
I think most adult Americans can remember exactly what they were doing the morning of September 11th. I walked Jane to the bus stop and waited for her to get on the bus and then my great dane, Max, and I started on a four mile run. We lived in upstate New York, it was beautiful that day, warm and sunny. I was listening to my new MP3 player that Mike had given me for my birthday. I remember that about half way through my run the sky was filled with a loud roaring and I looked up to see several, I think F16s, streaming through the sky overhead. I thought they must be doing some sort of exercise. I remember thinking how weird it was that my body felt all loose, my joints ached. The first indications that my little Sadie was on her way. I got home from my run, tired but happy and discovered that I had 5 messages on my machine. I tried calling Mike, my mom, busy. I called my friend Jami and she told me to turn on my t.v. and that part is history. By then both towers had been hit.
I don't remember many other details actually. I remember calling Jane's school and they were not letting them out and so I drove to Jami's apartment and we watched the news from there. Immediately Mike started on drills of one sort or another. He was gone late every night, always rumors...
New York City, I had only flown through that city once when we were on our way to England up until that year. But the summer of 01 Mike had an assignment down at West Point and Jane and I had gone down to visit several weekends. We had explored New York City together, the three of us. My mom and Meagan had come to visit and we had taken them into the city. It was so familiar and so close now.
On Sept. 18th Jami and I were together and I told her my period was late. Jami had lived near us at Ft. Benning. She knew that I had spent only 6 million dollars on pregnancy tests. She had been my friend when I went to the infertility doctor and when I gave myself daily injections for months, to no avail. Mike and I had put all that behind us and had moved on, happy that we had our little Jane. I told Jami, that I knew it was stupid, but with everything going on and so much on my mind I just wanted this one little uncertainty out of the way. She completely agreed and stayed with the kids in the jeep while I ran into the drug store and bought my test. I took it at her house. I sat there staring at that stick forever, tears streaming down my face. When I came out Jami looked at me and said "that stick either says you have cancer or you are pregnant." Jane was so excited, she says she can still remember it. The funny thing is, I had told my friend just a few days before that I was relieved that I wasn't having any more children, the world was all of the sudden a very scary place. But... I couldn't have been happier. I thought about surprising Mike, he was away on a drill, but when he called I couldn't wait. I had to tell him.
A week of drills, a false alarm, when we thought the guys had left, weekends where everyone was on call. Then one morning Mike left for work and never came home. I waited for him to call after PT. He always called from his office while he shined his boots, he didn't call. I called my friend Kristy and asked if she had heard from Roger, Mike's Commander, she hadn't. She tried to call and there was no answer. Every morning we had said goodbye, kissing and hugging and telling each other how much we loved each other, just in case...
Rumor had it they were all in an airplane hangar and a few days later they were all released. Except for Alpha Company. I was at Kristy's with Jane. The calls started pouring in... husbands home, husbands calling. No one from Alpha, somehow, I can't remember, it was confirmed that our husbands had been the first to go. I sat on the couch with Jane while Kristy answered a few more phone calls and then I told her we had to leave.
On the way home I explained to Jane that dad had to go fight the bad guys, that daddy and Roger would be safe. I wish I could say I did it without tears. We drove out to our little apartment in Copenhagen and as we walked in the door Kenn (Mike's dad) was leaving a message on our answering machine. Jane started yelling out "DADDY, DADDY!" I picked up the phone but I couldn't say anything for what seemed like forever. I know I told him but I can't remember how.
Mike and I had a plan, if he left we would give Jane a doll set that we had bought at Costco earlier that month. She had been begging for it. It had the doll, the stroller, the carseat. Our plan worked like a charm. Dad was not forgotten but if anyone knew Jane and dolls that was the best distraction ever.
That night I put Jane into my bed and we read stories until she fell asleep. I got out of bed and knelt down and wept, praying to my Heavenly Father for the safety of my husband. I can't put into words the absolute agony and fear I felt right then, but as I poured out my sorrow to the Lord I felt a calm immediately fill my mind, fill my whole body. Peace that I didn't imagine possible a few moments before had come to me. I thanked my Heavenly Father, I climbed into bed, kissed my little Janie and fell fast asleep. I have never in my life felt the spirit stronger than at that time.
It is seven years later, we are now a family of six. We have lived without Mike off and on for a total of almost three years. That is quite a bit less than many families. We've been lucky.
Last year, almost at this time heavy fighting was taking place. We were getting notices of casualties almost daily. It just didn't seem possible that any of our husbands were going to make it home. But now, in just a few weeks Mike will be back in Germany. Sawyer and I will be going to visit very soon and a few months from now he will be home with us for awhile at least.
There are good things that have come out of many difficult times. I know that I am strong. I can do hard things. I know that my marriage will be a blessing throughout eternity. Michael and I have only felt the bond between us strengthen, sweeten. Only those that have been apart can know the indescribable joy of being reunited. I will not take being together for granted. I am grateful for my life, my husband and children, my family. I have joy, an underlying love of life and all that it entails, even during terrible times. Tonight we prayed for the families of those that lost loved ones, I can't imagine the sadness this day must bring to them. I know that I have been blessed.
Well it is bedtime. I had to finish that last paragraph tonight. I just dozed off with my head on my hand so I won't even know if it made sense until tomorrow. Good night.
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